How can I title something if I haven’t written it yet?
Hi there — I have no idea how to start this, so here will just have to do.
I’m coming out of the longest solstice I’ve ever experienced in my life. Feeling called to share something about it. I enjoy telling stories, sharing space, connecting, providing, caring. I fill up my cup by filling the cups of others. But when my cup is low, I’m figuring out how to recognize the need to rest and replenish.
Why? Because why not.
It’s a winding path how I got here, and since I can’t start at the beginning (you know, THE beginning) since nobody can actually tell me that it ever began. I’ll start here in the middle.
I’m an earthling. I define myself by my career, parental, marital, gender, social, racial, musical, peaceful features. And for some reason, I feel called to share some stories with other earthlings through the magic of the internet. This boundless place that puts up walls of connected disconnection.
Staying connected lately has been hard. Well — feeling disconnected has really been the challenge.
Finding music that resonates deeply in my soul, and being around people with that same energy. I just fucking get it.
Beliefs — people who get magic from church or spiritual gatherings, I get that at concerts. Surrounded by people moved to move.
Let’s be dangerous. Fucking courageous.
Where I’m lost in music right now is… the lack of ACTION. The music is beautiful, but I don’t see where we’re HEADED. And I need a light to show me that direction. As a nurse, a mom, a friend, a neighbor. I can’t sit here watching as healthcare crumbles around me, wondering if any healthcare workers will remain when we burn out the last in acute care and skilled nursing facilities.
Let alone home health, outpatient, triage, intensive care, emergency…
L&D, med-surg, telemetry, neuro/stroke, oncology, post-anesthesia, surgical intensive care, radiology, rehab….
I finally find when I finally find silence, I just hang my head down and I cry…
And your anger joy and your sadness, you will never be alone
The road you walk is a circle, and it will always bring you home
Welcome home.
Give what you can, take what you need.
These arms are wide open and here when you leave.
I know you must leave soon, so go plant good seeds
Be careful which of those two wolves that you feed
Give what you can and take what you need
Alright — so I have this fire inside me to figure out what to do about this healthcare mess. It’s not any one employer, it’s the System-capital-S, that needs to change.
Where nurses can go to jail for a medical error, and there is no accountability for the healthcare corporation that had opportunities to prevent an error and didn’t. But also, healthcare should NOT be a money-making business. Yes, you should be able to make a comfortable living by working in healthcare, but not to make millions of dollars off the sick and needy.
And health insurance. The most American fucking problem in existence. Among a few common chronic diseases. Not for lack of trying — we’re just addicted to unhealthy habits from so early in life, to make us more sedentary and disconnected.
Boo. I decline.
I see different ahead for us. What do I see?
I see healthy communities — where a bonding activity is being outdoors and playing sports, eating fresh foods, and caring for each other.
I see connection — where we can know about each other’s lives, without being privy to every. single. detail of every. single. moment. of our lives. I feel better in a conversation. Catching up together. Walking and talking.
So posting pictures was fun when I was younger, but I like the story that goes with the picture now. The week from heck that was filled with the most wonderful kid activities I can imagine. I legit found myself more present than I have been in recent… months? Years?? Like, I’ve enjoyed time with my kids, but I have been trying to be more intentional with savoring this time. Connecting with the type of eye contact that says “I hear you, I’m here with you, you matter”. Not staring at my phone distractedly responding.
Pass on that.
But I do see people jumping in when there are no nurses left. We’re not OUT of nurses, but we’re not far off.
The older nurses are retiring, there’s a skipped generation or two in there, and then a bunch of great bedside nurses who are… not necessarily fleeing, but definitely on their way AWAY from the bedside PDQ.
Why, though? Who wouldn’t want to do this for infinity?
Well — where should we start? Since there’s no beginning, because it’s the messiest, knottiest problem that keeps repeating throughout history, ad nauseum.
But before I get into that, I need to mention…
You can’t write this shit, I know, I tried it!
I fucking know.
What do I know? I know that I feel lost, I don’t know where to start. I want to dive in to every part of the foundation of this crumbling problem. Do we knock the rest down and start over? Is there room to rebuild? Is there enough foundation left to repair?
God fucking dammit.
I can’t sit in the quiet of my mind, because the answer feels too scary in the silence.
It’s this. To start talking online, in typed words, because it’s just this thing I kind of fucking like to do. And if someone with ADHD worse than mine might need this read aloud to them. And I might do that if I can figure out how this works. A neat thing about my job! I can narrate stuff like this.
For now — I’m going to put this here, and appreciate if you made it down to here. I can’t really say if I would’ve even gotten this far… Thanks! Your time and attention are how you spend yourself. Thanks for giving some of that to me <3.