I enjoy writing, and find it cathartic to put words and thoughts down for myself. As an adult, I have written mostly for myself in journals or in my professional life for school or work projects. Now, I'm expanding to the scary unknown and putting it out there into the scrutiny of strangers via the ocean of the internet. Eek. The following is something from back in March 2020. I don't think I need to explain the context of these words, except that this is ONE perspective of ONE nurse in ONE area of American Healthcare. And I'm trying not to apologize in advance, so here goes.
March 2020:
I know there's life happening in spite of this crisis right now. I know people are getting engaged, married, pregnant... moms having babies, babies hitting milestones, kids having birthdays...
But right now, I am unable to feel the joy in anything. I can't see past this. I can't get over my fear. I can't grasp anything outside of COVID-19 and the impending tsunami that's coming for us. Right now, a lot of people in the community are standing on a figurative beach wondering what all the panic is about. And all I can think about is the shit storm my colleagues are dealing with and what's coming down the line at every level of care from the hospital to the SNF to the home.
I see posts with funny memes about what it's like to work from home, and videos of bored individuals learning new skills, and I hear people having mundane or fun experiences through all this. And I feel no joy. I feel jealous. I feel afraid. And I feel a deep regret for getting myself into this by choosing to be a nurse.
I have to remind myself that this shit storm will pass. The tsunami will crash on top of us, patients and colleagues will get sick and die, and eventually things will settle into whatever our new normal will be. My goal was to be a nursing leader because I felt like I had the moral compass and caring nature to make some changes in this broken healthcare environment. I'm finishing up my MSN... and right now I feel like it's all for nothing. Because I wouldn't want to lead a team through this. I wouldn't want to be the scapegoat of these organizations --- telling staff it's okay to use less and less PPE, lowering standards we've drilled in to people for years FOR EXACTLY THESE SITUATIONS. Having people get exposed and continue working, potentially infecting other workers or patients. Unknowingly infecting their families.
I started out this post trying to remind myself that there's life outside of COVID, and that life will be there as we recover from all of this. All it did was make me want to bury my head in the sand and wait it out. Some people are running into the fire, and I'm so grateful that they are saving lives while risking their own. Being a parent has softened me and forced me to consider my family before myself, and therefore my self before my job.
Healthcare relies on nursing to put the patient first. To do what's right and keep showing up to these dangerous and frightening situations. Healthcare relies on our moral integrity as nurses so we can keep doing more with less.
So I'll fake joy at my friend's kid's virtual birthday party, the engagement of two wonderful loving people, and whatever else used to fill up my cup. I'll fake it till I make it, reminding myself that there will be life after this storm passes.
And then the storm just went on, and on.
Sometimes, if I'm paying attention, I notice the sun peek through the clouds. Or a day without rain. Or I appreciate the storm and the ways it's replenished and cleansed the soil.
I'm figuring out how to plant good seeds. And where.
❤️😎
Love You Jess,
Always putting ❤️ Love ❤️Out There.