Ta-Da!
Greetings!
We’re coming up on mid-February and today I feel the energy, attention, and desire to write.
The last several months (cough… year) have been an uncomfortable ride. The energy from the summer seemed to fade quickly, and my quest to write a business plan, solve every problem in Modern American Healthcare, work, and run a household sent me spiraling into a pit of hopelessness. Moral distress? The Pit of Despair was quick to get into — and each return has been a slooowwww climb back to the light. I’m an elder millennial… I don’t do “slow” well.
It’s getting more comfortable with attention and intention.
I’ve spent time reading:
Dancing in the Darkness: Spiritual Lessons for Thriving in Turbulent Times by Otis Moss III
You Better Be Lightning by Andrea Gibson
A Swim in a Pond in the Rain by George Saunders
Portrait: An urban tree diary by Daniel Wheeler
I’ve listened to a few podcasts:
We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle
Best Life Best Death with Diane Hullet
No Accounting for Taste with Kyle Kinane and Shane Torres
And I’ve journaled, listened to music, created music, and resumed building Lego Diagon Alley. Along with spending time with my favorite humans, eating yummy food, and exercising — I’d say my self-care regimen has improved tremendously recently. Slowly. Cautiously. I notice myself feeling better. Lighter.
The thing about “funks” or “storms” or “depression” (or whatever muddles my perception of human experience) is — I find myself hiding until I get to a “Ta-Da!!” moment. A feeling of relief where I can smile freely and savor the sweetness of life, without the blinding fog of anxiety, worrying about the incessant suffering and inequality lurking everywhere. (No, no no, let’s not go down there right now, brain). “Just don’t worry your pretty little head about that stuff”. Wherever I lurk in stormier seasons is a place I don’t want witnesses. It’s a gross feeling, and my ego wants to avoid a crowd. I duck and cover. Withdraw.
Hiding till the “Ta-Da” moment is an indefinite hibernation. And “Ta-Da” doesn’t always come. I heard this on We Can Do Hard Things — it’s a nonlinear journey. Oof. Yeah it is. There’s not a start, middle, and finish line. So of course there’s no Ta-Da! I haven’t solved any major problems, taken swift action to ease my worry sickness, or decided what exactly my path forward will be in the next 5 years. Ta-Da, Jessie! You’re a human and this is just what it’s like. The work is never done.
So today I’m celebrating little wins — small delights — grateful that I get to write and share my words with other humans (and AI trolls). I’ll spend some time outside, listen to content that soothes my spirit, and make eye contact while I practice what I preach about self-care.
In closing, I’m trying set aside this feeling that I have a finish line to cross. A Ta-Da moment I’m waiting to share. A fulfilled goal. Now is enough, and I’m a continual work-in-progress.
So do yourself a favor and listen to some Beans on Toast. Their album "The Fascinating Adventures of Little Bee” is an adorable meditation on the earthling experience. The song below isn’t from the Little Bee album, it’s just another amazing Beans on Toast song and I found the video heartwarming:
Take good care!
Love,
Jessie