I don't remember you

Living beyond memory

I had the joy of spending this past weekend with many parts of my large extended family. We gathered for a birthday, the end of school, and a visit with my aunt and uncle who were in town for the first time since their move to Spain. My cup was overflowing with joy when I fell asleep early last night.

I woke up refreshed this morning and got ready for the first day of summer camp: joy.

Then, on the ride to work, in ever-increasing waves: grief.

WHAT??!

I’ve navigated all sorts of grief in my life and career. Loss of grandparents, cousins, friends, patients, colleagues, and strangers.

Today, I’m grieving someone who’s still alive: My uncle (not the one in town from Spain), an uncle here in Illinois. I’ve got a bunch of aunts and uncles — many are the BOOM of Baby Boomers — and this one married-in to the chaos of our clan. I remember when he married my mom’s sister — they had a beautiful outdoor ceremony, a live band, and we got to hear “Sugar, Sugar” twice when he was nowhere to be found the first time it was played.

I remember meeting him and his son for the first time.

I remember when he encouraged me to become a doctor, and settled for the nurse I became.

I remember our conversations about the world, healthcare, and humanity.

Yesterday, he did not remember me.

At all.

Period.

I think my brain and heart went into “Nurse Mode” while we were together. “Oh, it’s okay, I’m your niece, Jessie, the nurse”.

“No, I don’t remember”.

“That’s okay — how is your appetite? How are you getting around…” keeping it light, and not diving into trying to remember. Not a thread of me in there. Not a twinkle of our kinship.

Five minutes later: “Do I know you? … I don’t remember you”.

So today, I’m grieving the uncle I knew. The one I met yesterday. And the one I’ll lose in the future.

And I’m praying for those closest to him, who experience this loss every. single. day.

Love,

Jessie

PS:

The clip above is the song coming towards me as my son and mother-in-law walk in the door. A little magic for us all. Here’s the video: